While we were having our 126 discussion earlier about traits we found attractive in the opposite sex, some people wanted me to share about what mine were. Duh, I refused. Una sa lahat ayoko kasi yung share ng share na walang katuturan tapos pangalawa kasi wala naman talaga akong maisip? IDK HALAMAN NA ATA AKO HUHU I’ll blog properly when I’m on my laptop na.

Half Fact Half Fiction

I haven’t felt this giddy for so long. I haven’t loved for almost a year. Sure, I might find one person attractive and another one endearing but I can go days not thinking about them. You, however, are a completely different matter. At first I wouldn’t admit it, but now here I am in full realization of how futile denial really is.

I know the chances of us happening are slim, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop liking you right away. I find happiness in the simple sentences you speak to me. Today is more than I could hope for, and so were the previous two days spent in your company. I only wish I had more or there was only you and me. I’m selfish. I want you all to myself. I get jealous when you call some other girl pretty or you joke around with others. I seriously don’t understand why I am so ashamed to admit my feelings for you. I’ve only told two people and they each tell me differently. In the end, it will have to be me who decides. But deciding means acting, and acting leads to consequences. I don’t have the courage to act more so the courage needed if it ends badly. I am simply content of spending days with you, just seeing you, smiling at you, greeting you, sharing a laugh with you if fortunate.

The image of your face swims before my eyes every vacant moment my mind has to spare. The smile on your face as we spoke, and I couldn’t help but stare at you and in your eyes. I didn’t even know I was capable of doing both as such a short period of time. And what made me happier was that you were looking at me as well, interested, alive, happy. I drank it all in and the memory has been replayed so many times in my head already. I haven’t seen you in months and then I see you again. The first thing I wanted to do was talk to you right away, but I had to wait. And finally, I had my chance.

I see you and all the good things that you are. I forget the bad. I may be happy for a time, but then I get sad. I remember that you don’t like me back. Isn’t it always the same story? But why do I insist with different people?

You’re smart. You’re handsome. You’re sweet. You’re kind. You’re funny. You’re you. And well, I’m me.

I just want every good memory I had with you to be compiled and condensed so I can replay all of them whenever I want. That’s enough for me, because I can live in an illusion. I can, but I won’t.

I love you. I’ll work hard for you. I’ll be a better person for you. I can give so much more.

You have made me forget. You have made me fearless. You have made me feel again.
Unconsciously.

You have no idea how much time I spend thinking about you, aware or unaware. Willing or unwilling. You haunt me, because maybe you’re going to be the one that saves me. You’re my wonderwall.

Every hurt and every doubt you’ve erased all with that look in your eyes today. It just took me a few seconds to fall right into the depths of them.

You made me write again. Write from the depths of my heart, dig deep into the abyss of emotions I have exiled. You’ve emancipated my creativity.

You’ve done so much, more than any person has gotten me to. I can write about you forever, speak of you until my last breath, dream of you as long as my neurons pulse, hear your voice and see your smile ’till they take those memories away from me.

I haven’t felt this way, written this way, thought this way for so long. I’m being repetitive. But one requires more than my inadept skill to truly capture who you are with words.

If I could sing you a song, it would be one where my lungs gave out and my throat sung raw.
If I could paint you a picture, it would be one where all the colors my eyes could see would be painted with every stroke I could manage.
If I could write you a poem, story, or novel, it would be one where all others will be put to shame and envy.

I’m full of if’s, because they’re all possiblities I’m willing to pursue if you’d have me.

And I’d have you even if the world ends 6 months from now, because there is no doom as sweet as one in your presence. May it be a doom of fire, ice, storms,war, plague, all would seem as enchanting as a paradise.

It is for your safety, happiness, betterment that I secretly pray for, and selfishly, shamefully, and fervently I pray for you to find that with me.

I love you.

I’ve loved you (for as long as I can remember).

I will love you (for as long as I am able).

The past, present, and future cannot contend with each other as my feelings for you intensify throughout the entire expanse of the time-space continuum.

The continuum of my emotions know no bound. My heart is reckless and tenacious. It would not deny itself of you.

My dear, my darling, my drop of dew on the dunes of the deserts.

Let me. Allow me. Force me. Command me. It does not matter how so, as long as you will have me.

But never take it away, for that I fear my universe will cease to expand as universes are wont to do according to Hubble.

And when it ceases to expand, it will eventually collapse upon itself.

Inaccurate as a fact of science, it is precise as a fact of my well-being.

You consume me. I allow you to. I cannot inhibit it.

Forgive me, my darling.

Tomorrow once more, love.

Dream the dreams that we all long to have, those that bring upon bliss.

As you have brought upon me today with your face, smile, and voice.

Baby.

Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. I Whine.

I know I already posted about this on my personal Tumblr blog, but I’ll post about it here again and maybe write about it in my diary later.

Dear God, if there’s anything I want my children to be gifted with aside from reasonable intelligence and good looks, then it would be perfect teeth. I swear. I can’t bear watching my child go through the same ordeal I had the previous day. An impacted wisdom tooth extraction is no joke, and there I was confidently declaring that I could do 3 at a time. I only did 1 and I felt like I was being tortured. However, credit must be given to my TMJ for successfully pulling this operation off.

For the past few months my right jaw keeps clicking for no identifiable reason following the removal of my braces. We were then able to secure a schedule with a Temporomandibular Joint specialist and I was sent for 2 types of dental x-rays. From that the TMJ concluded that three of my third molars/wisdom teeth are impacted and two of them horizontally aligned which causes crowding among my teeth. If not fixed, the alignment of my teeth would be again ruined which is undesirable since I already had braces years ago.

Yesterday, my dentist scheduled me to have an impacted tooth extraction with her friend, another TMJ. I was unnerved when he finally explained the procedure to my mother and me. I was nervous all throughout the operation. Due to it being impacted, the gums above my third molar have to be sliced open first to uncover the tooth which will then be cut into smaller pieces before it can be completely pulled out because there isn’t enough room to just pull it out whole.

It was an hour and a half but it felt like forever even with my eyes closed. Midway through the operation the anesthesia wore off and I began sobbing because I can feel the pain already. I had to be given another dose of anesthetic to endure the rest of the procedure. And from that point the experience has only gotten worse.

I hardly slept last night because the pain killers were of little effect against the post-operation pain and swelling I was experiencing. The irony of it all is that these medications had to be taken with a full stomach when I can hardly swallow saliva because of the pain. I had to endure the pain of eating to be able to receive some temporary relief.

And right now I’m a bit anxious since the sutures seem to have loosened, if that’s even possible, and some bleeding occurred. It’s also challenging to brush my teeth, because oral hygiene has to be maintained so that introducing bacteria to the wounded area can be avoided.

I can’t speak and there seems to be quite a number of things that can go wrong after surgery. I can only pray that I won’t encounter any of them throughout my healing process.

P.S. All of these is happening DAYS before my 17th birthday. How fortunate.

Tumblr isn’t working. :(

I didn’t really plan on it but I’m spending my summer like a child. Before it started I wanted to catch up on my reading, join organizations, learn about political, social, and economic issues, but that went bust and flew out the window once the lazy days came rolling by. 

I don’t regret it though. I’ve been so rough and demanding on myself, in spite of the additional emotional baggage, throughout the start of college and I think I deserve a break. I don’t care if some judge me irresponsible, apathetic, and just plain shallow. I deserve a break and I sure as hell am getting one.

 

Throughout summer I’ve been inseparable with last year’s birthday gift, my netbook, and spending my time downloading music, movies, TV shows, blogging, and online window shopping. Good old days. 

 

My birthday is just days away and I don’t know if I’ll get the gift I want. 😦 Dad’s just been so grumpy lately.

 

And there you have my current mindset throughout the summer, preoccupied materialistic hedonistic teenager.