Sad.

I’m always so happy in front of others. Happy is an understatement, I’m just this bursting ball of energy. But at the end of the day I am sad, very very sad.

 

I can’t have you no matter how hard I try. 

Simple.

This is just about a good day I had.

A few days ago I got myself a new Blackberry Curve 9220 with the help of my mom, but it was driving me insane. In short, I was not happy about it. My mom sweetly allowed me to sell it online, just to reimburse its original price, and even offered to get me a brand new one which wasn’t originally locked to a carrier. I told her I didn’t want another one. I’d find another replacement.

A few hours after posting the ad someone had agreed to buy it from me already. So me and my mom went to SM so she could accompany me. I had a great time! 

We bought my sister new toys and I got a new pair of pumps which I plan to wear with my denim maxi dress. My mom was so sweet to buy me a pair. We even ate at this new restaurant Lugang and the food was divine. We’re going to bring my dad and sister there tomorrow.

I finished my transaction with my buyer and I figured out what I wanted to do with the money. My dad was upset that I got a new phone just as he was planning to get one because his was about to die on him. So I bought him the phone he wanted! I was so excited to give it to him. He likes it. I ended up getting myself a regular call-and-text phone because I’m also getting tired of lugging around so many gadgets. It’s always an added risk to be carrying expensive stuff around. However, I adore my new B88i duo since it comes with little bonuses such as a camera with flash, a music player and radio, a pair of headphones, etc. Generally speaking, it’s a reliable little buddy for those days you just need a phone with you.

I think why I’m always so excited to buy things for myself or others is because one of the languages of love I speak is that of giftsI like giving others material things, but I prefer the language of touch and time to be expressed towards me.

I love my family. I’m so happy I get to go swimming with them tomorrow! ❤

Thought Catalog

Love is real, real is love. John Lennon
Love is a friendship set to music. Joseph Campbell
The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. Thich Nhat Hanh
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. James Baldwin
Love is now, is always. All that is missing is the coup de grâce — which is called passion. Clarice Lispector
when you love someone / you are scared of getting hurt / and you will get hurt Brandon Scott Gorrell
And now we’re apart and you’re just some stranger who knows all my secrets and all my family members and all my quirks and flaws and it doesn’t make sense. Gaby Dunn
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But…

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Nevermind what I wanted to write about two days ago, about being in love but not in a romantic way and me being a plant yada yada. God is great and oh so wise! Today was my last day of PE class and he made it oh so special. I got to try to fence on a makeshift piste but with all of the equipment Ma’am Otadoy lent us and I won both of my 2 bouts. It was cool! I had too much fun. I was seating my head off in that mask but who cares.

 

Plus, there was no PI 100 or SP 102 today. I got more sleep!

I’m really considering fencing as a sport huhuhu I hope my dad sees this through!

And shift in personality comes on 3…2…1…

I really should stop staying up late at night because it’s too unhealthy and I am fully aware of it, but meh, let me indulge myself for the 360th day in my year. And just so we’re clear with each other, self, here’s what you’re missing out by writing this blog post:

1. ENOUGH SLEEP.

2. Waking up earlier and getting a head start on all the work you need to finish before school starts.

3. Clearer and younger-looking skin

4. Less-enormous eye bags

5. Not having a mild throbbing pain in your head for the rest of the day.

6. Not having to take a nap right after lunch

7. A faster metabolism

8. Less stress, depressing thoughts, and daunting realizations in your 17 years of existence

9. Being unaware of the dreams you will never turn into realities

10. A whole lot more that you should just make a separate blog post about…

My period is over, but damn, I am so emotional I even cried about that video for SP 126. Okay so it was the beautiful piano music in the background and not the story, which I dutifully replaced with my own masterpiece playing inside my head (what, life should come with it’s own background music and handsome, charming, leading men, glamorous lifestyle, and wonderful locations for people like me, but I take what I can get).

Sure two nights ago I was cheerful and stuff, but oh god am I a downer now. I’m just so upset about how Christmas of 2009 and 2010 I was spending it so happy, loved, and fulfilled more than ever in my young life with someone, and here I am in 2012 so alone. I mean, I sort of choose to be alone because I never cling to other people (a.k.a. my friends) as much as I’d need to get rid of this feeling of  utter solitude, but hey, alone is alone.

And I’m tired of feeling happy or angry, time to feel a little sad and gloomy once in a while, although it’s never good for me. Why am I such a masochist? Maybe because I have the emotional range of a teaspoon (ha-ha, Hermione) and I need to exhaust that to its maximum of three emotions, even if the third one only comes during my PMS and the holidays.

Oh Pat, fine, indulge yourself with your endless self-pity.

How true is this…even if it’s not about the kissing ritual on New Year’s Eve. Just the thought of facing 2013 alone, AGAIN, while that other person gets to do it with someone new. Well, I’ll let it get to me just until the holidays are over because I do deserve to feel things even if I don’t want to. I deserve to be pathetic, neurotic, whiny, envious and unappreciative. That’s my real holiday gift to myself.

“I cannot belie…

“I cannot believe the shit that I write when I’m in love. I put so much thought, so much work into every word I force out of my synapses. And what do I do with it? I read it to myself, shielding it from the eyes of whom it was written for. I sound so crass on regular occasions, and unintelligent in those which require me to be otherwise, but when I’m in love I spew eloquence like a punctured blood bag waiting to run out.”

What a waste.